I watched the Opening Ceremonies today. Here is what I thought about it. I don’t know if back home they are showing it on tape delay, but if they are you could maybe read them as you watch. Maybe that could be fun.
Also it is in military time because that’s how they tell time here. I had to deal with it too.

The Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies proved that a dictatorship can create a massive display of pomp. So far, the British Opening Ceremonies are extremely weird. Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle is overseeing these games, and apparently he just wants to show how people played stickball in the Industrial Revolution. I’m a fan. I haven’t seen something like this before.

21:00 So we’re flying across the English countryside. I feel like this was done by scrolling through the 3-d view on Google Maps. Snippets of The Clash and The Sex Pistols play as we fly by the Thames and the Tube. Maybe he couldn’t play the whole song because of rights, so he just downloaded the 30-second preview on iTunes.

Earlier today, I was watching coverage for the game. At 8:30 pm woman reporting for Sky News told the viewers that they were waiting for it to get dark so the pyrotechnics could be seen in the dark as they wouldn’t be seen in the day. Thank you for introducing us to fireworks.

21:15 The Beijing Olympics dazzled everyone with intricate massive dancing. Danny Boyle thinks we will be dazzled by people aimlessly walking around in Dowton Abbey clothes.

21:16 I hope those women realize that they got suffrage about 100 years ago.

21:17 Okay, I get that the Industrial Revolution happened. Let’s se some sports!

21:19 Based on how much drumming there is, I really hope this means that Danny Boyle was inspired by the movie Drumline. It stars Nick Cannon.

21:20 C’mon, someone run around in the sky with the flame! Oh wait, here are about 40 Sgt. Pepper-era Beatles look-a-likes. I kind of wish the Beijing Olympics had those too.

21:21 The announcer: “See the workers working there?” Yes, I do.

21:26 And now we are treated to stock footage of Britain sites.
Oh wait, no. It’s footage for the next Bond movie! I guess Danny Boyle was pissed that he didn’t get to direct Skyfall so he just made it himself.
Shoot her! Shoot the Queen, Bond!

21:29 The wouldn’t be an Olympics without a waving Winston Churchill statue.

Oh, so it went from a filmed thing into a live thing. They just stole that off the Survivor Season 2 finale.

I’m so disappointed that the Queen didn’t actually jump out of the helicopter. This better happen in Skyfall.

21:37, Quick question, why is the Liberty Bell there?
I’m sure the zctual Children’s Hospital is glad that all these fake hospital beds were purchased for this dance.

21:41 Calm down, all Harry Potter fans. Stop being so giddy.

21:42 So I’m terrified right now.

21:44 Marry Poppins versus Voldemort battle actuall happen every day in England. This is pretty normal right now.

21:45 What should happen right after the fight between Marry Poppins and Voldemort? Stupid song Irish jigs! Well-juxtaposed.

21:47 By now it’s pretty clear that the cameramen have no idea what’s going on. Nor the actors, I guess.
And we finish this with the famously disliked part of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

21:48 Has anyone ever seen Chariots of Fire? It’s exactly like what’s going on now. It doesn’t make any sense why the movie cuts to Mr Bean playing the theme of the song. Very experimental!

21:54 Yeah, these people made a wrong turn and had no idea they entered the opening ceremonies. Kinda weird for London to steal their house.

21:55 Madonna’s not British!!!!!!! She’s tricked everyone!!!! I even thought for a second, Oh yeah Madonna’s a British thing. But she’s just not.
Oh, but Modern Family is very British.

22:00 Oh, they remembered The Beatles. That’s a surprise.

22:02 Get those punks outta the stadium!

22:05 We are now in the “I Saw These Videos on MTV Documentaries about the Old Days when I was a Kid.”

22:06 Blur’s Song 2 is the greatest song. That’s really all I have to say about that.

22:08 It’s kind of a waste that they have to do this ceremony every day to officially start competition for the day.

22:09 One thing that the opening ceremonies definitely have expressed is how crowded London is. The crowds here dwarf New York City, the previously busiest place I had ever been. London crowds resemble crowds outside MSG after Knicks games or Times Square all the time, but it is all over the city. Really, it is like ants crawling around everywhere you go.

22:10 I bet the inventor of the internet is really glad he wasn’t watching porn at that second. I wonder he invented the internet so he could have easier access to porn.

22:13 I hope Danny Boyle just chose himself to light the torch.

22:17 Yeah, you gotta have the LeBron chalk thing. It’s a traditional opening sports thing.

22:23 The Olympics always help me remember if it was a Leap Year or not.

22:32 How weird are flags?
Barbados did a good job grabbing Neptune’s spear for their flag. Good call, Barbados.

23:08 Did you know that Jamacai has a bobsled team?

0:02 Okay, now that that boring parade is over, back to real comments. Now the Arctic Monkeys will play their smallest venue ever.

0:10 The Olympics’ first hit: That Podium.

0:11 The mill isn’t turning anymore! All the lights are gonna get shut off!
I bet this guy is gonna give himself a gold medal for World’s Best Speaker.

0:16 So wait, is this guy like the best athlete in the world? His acting really fits Danny Boyle’s directing style.

0:20 The Queen can say anything and it sounds funny.

0:20 Get that flag a pole!

0:24 “Please stand for the Olympic Anthem…Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?”

0:25 That flag got a pole. All is well.

0:26 David Beckham’s been on that boat for a while. I’m sure he’s getting cold.

0:28 What a surprise, I’m lighting the flame. I’ll be there in a second.

0:31 Oh no! He’s in the wrong stadium!

0:34 “Christ, I gotta run a lap?” – Those kids

0:35 Now that they have all those fake torches, keep your eye on the real one because they’re going to shuffle them around and you have to guess which one has the actual flame. It’s like that ball under the baseball cap game at Yankee Stadium.

0:36 When they get up there, they realize that it’s already been on fire the whole time.
The question before the Olympics was “Who will light the torch?” But I think the question is now “Who lit the torch?”

0:43 They should set that mill on fire.

0:46 Hey Jude? Safe pick. You should have gone with the LSD song.

0:48 And now the Olympians are walking right to the fields where they play.

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