Starting next weekend, all the eyes of the world will be watching the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Maybe more people will watch it than the Super Bowl. Maybe.
I happen to be in London during the Olympics. No, I am not competing. I thought that by joining a gym last week I could squeeze four years of training into five or six days, but after taking too many rest days and I think it’s too late to sign up anyway, I will just report on the games.
London 2012 Sports Preview
Archery: You know what Archery is. You don’t need a preview for it.
Artistic Gymnastics: Russians such as Kseniia Afanaseva and Victoria Komova will be competing against 16-year-old American girls and Chinese 12-year-olds.
Athletics (Track and Field): These compose the many events that take place on a track or a field, or both if the field was constructed incorrectly. Here are some of highlights, and one fake one thrown in for fun!
Running- The Olympic sport that is most closely tied to torture.
Walking- The stupidest concept of any Olympic sport, and watching hordes of men or women walking in shorts is unnerving to the eye. A must-watch!
Gladiator Combat- This is the fake one. This would never happen on a track.
Steeplechase- “Forget it. Let’s have a regular track race, but put a big hurdle and some water in the middle of one lap. I don’t care anymore.” — The Steeplechase Inventor
Long jump- Ever since we could jump, some people have thought, “How long can we do this?” Those people ran and continue running the Olympic long jump competition.
High jump- The long jump, but Up.
Triple jump- Glorified skipping.
Hammer- These athletes throw hammers. Don’t look into the sport anymore to find out that is not true.
Badminton: Badminton is soft tennis. It is most famous for being the sport with equipment called a “shuttlecock.” The men and women in peak physical condition slapping a fifth-of-an-ounce thing around are allowed to call themselves athletes.
Baseball: South Korea hopes to defend its title from the strong American team and the talented Cuban players, but because the sport is not in the Olympics this year South Korea will probably fail
Basketball: Whatever happens, I am just rooting against the Miami Heat.
Beach Volleyball: If you want to watch the hottest athletes wearing only swimwear play this sport, go to the beach and watch it.
Canoe/Kayak: Watch as Lewis and Clark float down the Mississippi River, charting the newly acquired Lousiana Territory. Also, watch the sport to see who has the biggest coxswain.
Cycling: Sure, these may be the best cyclists in the world, but they are terrible cyclists without training wheels.
Diving: These athletes train for years doing flips, twists, front pikes, back tucks, and armstands, but really I’d be most impressed by a cannonball setting off a huge splash.
Equestrian: The Olympic footage for this event will be used as B-roll in the film “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?” (PS- I didn’t see the movie)
Fencing: Take a shot every time someone says “Enguard!” and you’ll be passed out in minutes.
Field hockey: In the men’s and women’s field hockey event, athletes will hope to—wait, Guys play field hockey?! Europe’s so weird.
Modern Pentathlon: It’s composed of five events over one day: fencing, swimming, horseriding, and shooting/running. But while you watch can you think how freakin’ MODERN that is?!?!
Rhythmic gymnastics: Olympic ribboning. Remember, baseball and rugby are not Olympic sports, but this is.
Rowing: For some reason, this isn’t Canoe/Kayaking. I’ll call the Olympics to see if this is a mistake.
Sailing: Dammit, those asshole country club kids can get a gold medal? This event sucks.
Shooting: Whoever doesn’t end up shooting themselves gets a gold medal. It’s not a very difficult sport.
Soccer: Boring. Skip it.
Swimming: Remember that these Olympians will never be as fast as fish are. Michael Phelps will win all the Gold.
Synchronized Swimming: It’s swimming, but everyone races evenly and ties. Everyone gets the Gold.
Table Tennis: The only Olympic sport less athletic than video games.
Taekwondo: It might be boring to watch a dozen ten-year-old learn Taekwondo at the City Center, but if that’s your thing go watch.
Tennis: I can best describe it as Table Tennis, but BIGGER.
Triathlon: Athletes do 3 sports, and whoever finishes first wins (duh). What the athletes don’t realize is they can pick the three sports. I would do much easier ones like Table Tennis, Curling, and Hula-hoop.
Volleyball: This is where the ugly beach volleyball players go to be ignored.
Water polo: Another sport where they weirdly add water to it.
Weightlifting: The Olympic sport I have the least chance at ever competing at.
Wrestling: The Greeks did this naked. Picture the current athletes doing these sports naked while watching, if you want. You creep.
Tomorrow’s Preview: The Countries.