I am writing to inform you that I will be visiting you this weekend. I have seen multiple movies with you as a main character—er, location—but no little about you otherwise. I figured I’d just make a short list of what I expect you to be like, based on my limited exposure to you.
1) George Clooney likes to steal money from slimy casino owners.
Hell, he’s good at it in the Ocean’s Eleven series. He’s so believable as a heist mastermind that I’ll be disappointed if I don’t spot him and the gang pulling off another robbery while I’m there. I know I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. But how cool would it be to see Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Don Cheadle, and the rest of the gang walking out of Caesar’s Palace with grins on their faces?
2) Speaking of Caesar’s Palace…
My dad told me it’s a site to be seen on weekends in the fall. Apparently, there’s nothing like betting on NCAA Football and NFL games. I imagine Caesar’s Palace to be full of Roman Guards hovering over lame caricatures of 1930s bookies, complete with cigars and bowties. I think I’m setting myself up for heartbreak here, too.
3) Hookers Everywhere
Hey, I’m not saying I want anything to do with them. But, come on! It’s Vegas baby. I’d at like least to be offered a flyer from a Pimp or something. I don’t know how the process works… I just want to see it. Again, I don’t want to be serviced by their, well, services. I simply want to see the business. Not in the grossest sense… I’m just going to stop writing on this topic.
4) Really Cool Waterslides
I know you try to hide these behind the whole “gambling” thing, but you’re not fooling me. I want to ride the cool slides I’ve seen. Then, I want to relax on a lazy river somewhere. Feel free to line the river with Roman soldiers to make it feel like the Tiber.
5) Vegas Makes You Blackout
The most informative, educational material I’ve seen on Vegas is The Hangover. This film taught me that I will most likely blackout on a fun night and be left to figure out what happened to at least one of my friends—who has gone missing—the next day. Considering I’m only going with one friend, I think I’ve got something to worry about here.
6) Wayne Newton Will Be Singing Somewhere
This guy seems to pop up in all movies related to Vegas. If he’s not physically in the movie, his ominous presence is felt at some point. Let’s just say it’s not unusual.
Okay, that’s pretty much all I know about you, Vegas. I hope you find this letter to be more honest than it is ignorant. You have a lot to teach me. I look forward to getting to know you. I hope a weekend will be a sufficient amount of time for you to show me your true colors. And water slides.